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STINK

Stink was the heir to House Greygloom, but Stink was naughty. Stink’s father – Lord Baleen of the Tinfoil Ilses – was naughty, too, and as punishment Stink became the ward of House Snark. The Snarks were nice to him and, looking back on that, Stink is pretty sure he didn’t deserve it. Stupid, stupid, Stink. He abandoned his brother by another mother, abandoned his sister by the same daddy, and abandoned his oaths. He deserves to be Stink. He did terrible things. Turned on his friends. He killed… those boys. Now the pretty lady is asking him to do nice things, but that doesn’t sound like the sort of thing Stink is good at. He doesn’t have the balls for it.

SULKWELL TUBBY

“I know who yer daddy is.” – Sulkwell Tubby

But Sulkwell wishes he didn’t know his. Randy Tubby was Lil Finger’s frat brother, and he’s the sort of guy who heard the saying that, “The true path to the Porcelain Throne lies through books,” and thought it meant that the only place worth using a book was the privy. Sulkwell ended up thinking the same thing, but only because the privy was the only place he could read without being tormented by his father and his brothers. As soon as he turned eighteen, Sulkwell got the hell out of there… and it was definitely his own idea, he’ll swear to it. Josh Frost is best friend in the whole world.

LIL FINGER

Lil Finger is the sort of fellow who believes that the best pickup lines are all Yo Momma jokes. He could never understand why this hadn’t worked with Waitin Snark, and with all the logic of a werewolf in heat he concluded that it was because he was fated to fall in love with her daughter, Sanserif. Oddly, however, the Yo Momma pickup lines aren’t working on her, either. He thinks the problem might be that he has a wife, but the Yo Auntie jokes aren’t working, either. Women are weird.

BERRY OF TART

When she was a young maiden, Berry of Tart dreamed of becoming the Iron Chef, a title which she had significantly misunderstood. How, exactly, she wrought such miraculous pastries while using nothing but a sword is one of the great mysteries of the age. Her blueberry tart, which became known as the Sapphire Isle, was particularly spectacular. Although she was eventually named the Queen of Tarts, Berry was never able to claim the title of Iron Chef due to rank misogyny.

DAVE ONION

Dave Onion, captain of the black-sailed Unsinkable II (don’t ask what happened to Unsinkable I), delivered Tijuana Bibles and whiskey to Lord Canceled’s men during Bobby’s Rebellion, helping to keep their morale up and their resolve stiff. (Tijuana is the name of Lil Finger’s brothel in Jester’s Landing.) When the war came to an end, Lord Canceled had Onion knighted, but also sentenced him to have his nipples cut off as punishment for his past crimes as a smuggler of pornography. Sir Dave was fine with this. Male nipples are useless, and he has no time for useless things. Plus, the scars are bad*ss.

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KELLY C

Queen Dani Rainybrith of House McDragonface, First One They called This, Queen of the Eunuchs, Some Slaves, and Other Random Dudes, Lady of the Umpteen Kingdoms and Protectess of Eastereg, Lady of This Castle I Guess, Kelly C of the Bigass Meador, the Flame Retardant, and Handcuff Remover. When Kelly C isn’t posting pictures of her adorable kids (#dragonmom), she enjoys horseback riding, wine tasting, and deep conversations with her hubby, Karl Go-Go. She and her brother don’t talk anymore. He knows what he did.

KARL GO-GO

Whenever a Sorippedi dancer loses a dance-off, they must cut their hair. Karl Go-Go has never cut his hair. He has worked his way through the Nine Free Dance Clubs, conquering each of them in turn, and now he’s ready to bring his act – and his fan club, the Raving Horde – to Eastereg, where he hopes to make waves in the competitive partner-dancing scene with his new wife Kelly C and earn a spot on Dancing with the Dragons, the hottest show around. Dragon Picking? The Jester’s Landing Shuffle? The Gold Pour? Go-Go has mastered all the moves of the dance floor, including the most important move of all: After all, a Karl who cannot Ride the Pony is no Karl.

RURAL JURAH

“Staberys Rainybirth, no stabbing! Staberys, no stabbing! Staberys, no stabbing!” Rural did the best he could, but Staberys never really understood the call of the dance and never accepted that Kelly C and Karl Go-Go had become united in their passion for a good two-step.

Rural Jurah was once the finest dance coach in Eastereg. When he was a younger man, he married his dancing partner, Lynette, after they won state together. Lynette, tragically, was addicted to spangly leotards, and was disappointed when Rural became more interested in line-dancing. Desperate to keep his wife happy, Rural eventually sold their back-up dancers into slavery… which, it turns, out is very, very, very illegal.

LORD VARIES

Do you have a friend who you would trust with your life? Good for you! Odds are pretty high that he’s actually selling you out to Lord Varies. The good news is that Lord Varies swaps sides so often that he’ll probably be working for you by next week and your secrets will be totally safe with him.

DRAGONS

ROAR, roar, roar. Roar, ROAR, roar. Roar, ROAR. ROAR, ROAR, roar. ROAR, ROAR, ROAR. ROAR, roar. Roar, roar, roar.

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TOFFY BRATSFOREONS

Everyone dreams of having loving parents. And Toffy’s parents love each other very, very much. Probably a little too much, honestly. After a successful and fulfilling childhood of torturing and “executing” various small, furry animals, Toffy graduated to a young adulthood of torturing and executing people. The utterly banal “cleverness” and petty mundanity of his arrogant sadism have made Toffy universally beloved, if nowhere other than in his own mind. Toffy’s mother has arranged any number of weddings for her precious little angel, but Toffy feels like marriage would be the death of him and has been deftly postponing the happy nuptials by completely alienating every single one of them.

CERIOUSLY BANNISTER

Ceriously is the only daughter of Trywin. Despite the recent death of her husband, King Bobby Bratsforëöns, she has been coping with what is certainly immense grief with a stiff upper lip. The support from her brother Shamey during this time of trouble has also been remarkably stiff. All she cares about now is making sure that her children – Toffy, Malteaser, and Toblerone – can all enjoy the lives they so richly deserve. And if anyone gets in the way of that, Ceriously has a cannister of whoopass and wildfire with their name on it.

Malteaser’s recent nosebleeds are a little troubling, but she’ll be fine. Probably.

SHAMEY BANNISTER

King Hairy McDragonface was caught with his pants down when he was stabbed on the Porcelain Throne by Shamey Bannister. This low blow echoed throughout the Umpteen Kingdoms and Shamey has been known as the Kingslayer ever since. Shamey remains a member of the Kingsitters, and his twin sister often remarks how handsome he looks in the all-white cloak and gold armor.

TYPSION BANNISTER

The Red-Faced Baron of Boobies and Booze! Also known as the Little Lusher and the Green Fairy, Typsion is the youngest child of Lord Trywin. He has always used his clever wit to overcome the prejudice he’s had to deal with his entire life. And, if that fails, he’ll just get people drunk enough that they forget how short he is. His sister Ceriously refuses to drink with him and also refuses to ever let him forget how short he is, so Typsion tries to avoid her as much as possible. But not as much as he avoids his father: Typsion likes to marry random women he’s just met in an Elvish Chapel on the Jester’s Landing Strip and then see how long it takes for his father to figure it out and issue an edict annulling the wedding. It’s a petty sort of revenge, but it’s the only thing Typsion is capable of. At least for now.

TRYWIN BANNISTER

Trywin is the richest and most powerful man in the Umpteen Kingdoms. Historically, the Bannisers’ power derives from the intersection of several influences: First, their long-standing support of the UKSPCD (the Umpteen Kingdoms Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Direcorgis; a Bannister always spays their pets). Second, the strategically advantageous position of their capital Castle Rock (from which they regularly export moody writers of bestselling horror fiction). Third, the constant and untiring support of the Tinfoil Bank. Trywin has made it clear that he intends to fully restore the luster of the Bannisters’ name, starting with the spaying of all the werewolves of House Remus (as remembered by the tragic song “Full Moons of Castamere”) and culminating with placing his grandchildren on the throne by virtue of marrying his only daughter, Ceriously, to King Bobby Bratsforëöns.

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SANSERIF SNARK

When Sanserif was a little girl, her mother Waitin told her that if she kept rolling her eyes like that it would make her head fall off. If she ever sees her mother again, Sanserif would like to tell her that it’s definitely not rolling your eyes that makes your head fall off. Or your whole body fall through a giant hole in the floor for that matter. Whatever. Look, the point is that Sanserif spent her entire childhood dreaming that she would grow up to be part of Fairytale Gloom and this is NOT. WHAT. SHE. WAS. PROMISED.

ARIAL SNARK

Arial was a no-nonsense girl who grew up wanting three things: First, a sword. Second, a second sword. Third, to stab people with her swords. In any rational world, therefore, Arial would be super happy with her life, but somehow it hasn’t turned out like that. She misses her dad. She misses Syriously Forreal (no relation), who taught her the Art of the Pincushion. She even misses her dumb sister, Sanserif. Fear cuts deeper than a sword, but a sword will do in a pinch.

JOSH FROST

Josh’s father was [SPOILER] and his mother was [SPOILER], which makes him [SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER] and he also [SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER]. He got very cold, but he got better. He died, but he got better. He’s probably going to get married, but he’ll get better.

HEAD SNARK

Head Snark, Lord of Winterstumble, Lord Mount-a-Pair, Warden of the North, Foot of the Ruler to King Bobby Bratsforëöns, and Kind of Slow to Notice Things. He and Bobby were both fostered to Johnny Errant, who taught Snark everything he knew and taught Bobby how to drink, hunt boar, and woo women. (Johnny wasn’t actually good at any of those things, which explains a lot about Bobby.) Snark is survived by his wife Waitlin and his loving children Rockwell, Sanserif, and Arial.

GLUTEN SNARK

Gluten was introduced to the wonders of absinthe by Typsion Bannister. When he goes on a bender with the Green Fairy, he often suffers from what he refers to as his “greensight” and has some difficulty distinguishing delusion from reality. That’s probably how he ended up falling out of that window, honestly.

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Justin Alexander is… the Voice of Gloom.

If you’ve ever wondered what my voice sounds like in real life… this is not it. Generally speaking, any way. If I’m specifically doing these character voices, then, yes, this is what I sound like.

You know what I mean.

Any way, you should check out this trailer: Nicolas Gluesenkamp has done some marvelous work animating Brian Patterson’s beautiful and hilarious art.

A GAME OF TRANSPARENT PARODY AND MISERABLE MONARCHS

From the frozen lands of the Snark to the torrid intrigues of the Bannisters, there is one truth that echoes through the Umpteen Kingdoms: Gloom is coming…

Epic Fantasy is Ghastly

Prophecies of doom. Protagonists slopping through the wilderness. Battles of blood and mud. At least in Gloom of Thrones you know the story will get an ending.

Tell the Tale of Your Noble Family

Plague them with mishaps like Seduced by a Sibling or Tumbled from a Tower while heaping happy events like w̶e̶d̶d̶i̶n̶g̶s̶ and family reunions onto your opponents to raise their Self-Worth score.

Award-winning Gameplay with Clear Cards

Unique transparent cards let you play multiple cards on the same character, determining their ultimate fate while still allowing you to see straight through their machinations!

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