The Alexandrian

Thought of the Day: Elven Teeth

October 22nd, 2025

Smile (the horror movie), but as an Elf

Human teeth wear out. Even if you avoid the deleterious effects of cavities and gum disease, sheer wear and tear will eventually grind your teeth down. So by the end of a few decades of life, it’s not at all unusual for people to start losing some or all of their teeth.

Elves, on the other hand, live for centuries. Perhaps even longer.

So one of three things must be true.

First, elves have human-like teeth, which means that elder elves must surely be toothless. We would expect elven dentures to be quite common and well-crafted, perhaps even becoming enchanted in various ways. We might also expect elven cuisines to feature a great deal of very soft foods, both to preserve their teeth for as long as possible, and then to support their toothless elder class.

Second, elven teeth are quite different from human teeth, possessed of almost adamantine endurance to resist the grind of centuries. It would follow that this “elven ivory” would be considered quite valuable among the unethical. We might also imagine that whatever material gives elven ivory its unique properties might have some unique appearance. Perhaps elven teeth glow silver in the dark?

Third, elves are not limited to a single set of adult teeth like humans, but instead have multiple sets over the course of their lives. Elves might correlate these to various stages of “post-adult” life that are completely alien to human understanding. Perhaps they might refer to their elders as “ninth-toothed” and, to an elf, the adjective “toothy” means.

Alternatively, perhaps they are constantly shedding teeth like a shark. Their ephemeral companions on the road might see them carelessly spitting out loose teeth into the fire. Trackers following the trail of an elven hunting party might find the occasional tooth they’ve shed and left in their wake.

One Response to “Thought of the Day: Elven Teeth”

  1. Ramón says:

    Awesome. The third idea is easily my favourite, then the second (which would make more sense from a tokienian POV) and last the mystic dentures.

    But the third makes them less of a human with pointy ears and annoying good looks.

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