This mini-scenario was originally incorporated into my first 3rd Edition campaign in 2000 or 2001. In 2003, I adapted it as a submission to Atlas Games’ En Route II adventure anthology. Unlike my other submissions, this was one was rejected. I retooled it for Dungeon Magazine in 2004, which also rejected it. In both cases, the objection was to the inclusion of time travel. If you don’t like time travel, the odds are you won’t be a fan, either. Otherwise, I think you’ll enjoy this little taste of the weird.

The following encounter has been designed for four characters of 8^th level. Although not a full adventure unto itself, it can be used to add a little spice to an existing adventure or fill a gap when the need arises. It can be incorporated into any journey which takes the PCs along a road.

SUMMARY

While traveling down a road, the PCs have an opportunity to save the Duke of Alasson – also known as the Black Eagle – from worg-riding orcs. An hour later, the PCs have an opportunity to save another Duke of Alasson, this time from wolf-riding ogres. In the process, they discover that they have been at the center of a strange temporal anomaly: The first Duke of Alasson they met lived and died two hundred years before they were born.

THE FIRST EAGLE

The PCs are traveling down a road. Have them make a Listen check (DC 15). If they succeed, read the following to them:

It’s early in the afternoon. The road before you gently rises into a low hill. From beyond the hill, however, you can hear the clear sounds of combat – the clash of sword, the shouts of men, the cries of the wounded.

If the PCs fail their check, tell them that they’re approaching a hill. As they reach the top of the hill – whether they heard the sounds of combat or not – read the following to them:

As you reach the top of the hill, you are met with a scene of fierce and desperate combat below you. More than a dozen squat, swarthy figures astride monstrous wolves have surrounded a group of mounted men in full armor. The men seem to have fallen back some distance from the road now, forming a defensive circle. One man, dressed in black plate with a gold design embossed upon the chest, stands out from the rest – and you easily spot a heraldic banner flying above the group, bearing a golden eagle upon a background of black.

Erren, the third Duke of Alasson is returning from breaking the siege upon Dweredell by the orcish hordes. His army marches several days behind him, but he has galloped ahead after hearing news of an assassination attempt upon his son.

The orcs attacking him seek revenge for his breaking of the siege at Dweredell. Elite leaders within the horde, these orcs saw their army forced into rout and ruin. With their power destroyed or scattered, they gathered and rode in pursuit of the “black eagle of doom” which had broken them.

There are eighteen wolf-riding orcs facing off against the Black Eagle and his eight men. The orcs are fierce fighters and fairly intelligent, but they are not particularly cunning: One group has already charged into combat, and is now engaging in melee. The others are held in reserve. If the PCs make any move to engage the orcs, the nine orcs circling in reserve will charge once at them, and then engage in melee.

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THE ORCS OF THE WASTES: Ftr4; CR 4; HD 4d10+11; hp 33; Init +2 (Dex); Spd 30 ft.; AC 17 (+2 Dex, +5 chain shirt); Atk +7 melee (1d8+4/x3, heavy lance) or +6 ranged (1d6/x3, short bow); AL CE; SV Fort +6, Ref +3, Will +0; Str 16, Dex 14, Con 15, Int 10, Wis 8, Cha 8

Skills and Feats: Listen +4, Ride +6, Spot +4; Mounted Combat, Power Attack, Spirited Charge, Toughness

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RIDING WARGS: Medium-size Magical Beast; CR 2; HD 4d10+8; hp 30; Init +2 (Dex); Spd 50 ft.; AC 14 (+2 Dex, +2 natural); Atk Bite +7 melee (1d6+4); Face 5 ft. by 5 ft.; Reach 5 ft.; SA Trip; SQ Scent; SV Fort +6, Ref +6, Will +3; Str 17, Dex 15, Con 15, Int 6, Wis 14, Cha 10

Skills: Hide +7, Listen +9, Move Silently +7, Spot +9, Survival +2*

Trip (Ex): A worg that hits with a bite attack can attempt to trip the opponent as a free action without making a touch attack or provking an attack of opportunity. If the attempt fails, the opponent cannot react to the trip of the worg.

Skills: A worg receives a +1 racial bonus to Listen, Move Silently, and Spot checks, and a +2 racial bonus to Hide checks. A worg has a +4 racial bonus to Survival checks when tracking by scent.

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AFTER THE FIRST FIGHT

Assuming that the PCs join the fight and help to destroy the orcs, they are approached by the Black Eagle (although the Duke’s men keep a wary eye on the PCs until they have proven themselves trustworthy). The Black Eagle professes, truthfully, that he carries with him no wealth or reward to give in boon to the characters. But he promises that, if the PCs will but ride with him for another three days, then a just reward will be theirs.

If the PCs Continue on Their Way: If the PCs decide to continue on their way, the Black Eagle thanks them again for their heroism – promising that their deeds will be praised in the songs of his halls. He and his retinue then ride out of sight down the road and back into history – the PCs probably never see him again. About an hour later, trigger the encounter with the Second Eagle (below).

If the PCs change their mind and try to catch up with the Black Eagle, they will be unable to find them. PCs who attempt to locate the party’s tracks may make a Survival check at DC 20. On a success, they will be unable to find any tracks but have a certainty that they would have if any existed.

If the PCs Accompany Him: The PCs ride astride with the Black Eagle as part of his entourage for the rest of the day. The Black Eagle will regale them with tales of his deeds (see below) and ask for tales of their deeds, as well. Allow PCs to make a Spot check (DC 25). On a success, let them note that something about the road seems oddly out of place – as if this weren’t quite the same road they had come down. But don’t let them put their thumb on what it is, exactly, that unsettles them.

At dusk, the party makes camp – raising a number of fine tents in an open field. Try to discourage the PCs from keeping a watch (the Black Eagle might take it as an insult if they don’t trust his entourage, for example). If they don’t, then when they awake in the morning they will find the Black Eagle and the entire camp gone without trace. If someone does keep watch, then mid-way through the night they will see the camp fade out of sight and disappear without trace. Either way, when the PCs begin traveling down the road again, trigger the second encounter (see below).

TALES OF THE FIRST EAGLE

The Secret Triumph upon the archery fields of Seranth. The Duke, in defiance of the king’s edict that none of noble blood should compete upon the tourney field in any event save the joust, secretly journeyed to Seranth to participate in the archery contest. There he competed against a man dressed all in black, who was almost his equal with the bow. In the end, the Duke split his own arrow upon the bull’s-eye twice in order to win. His opponent than unmasked, and was revealed to be the king himself.

The Seizing of the Ruby of Westernesse from the Red Prince during the western wars. It was then given as gift to the king, and sits still within the crown.

The Breaking of the Siege of Dweredell. When the dwarven kingdoms fell, the men of Dweredell held siege upon the fallen city of the dwarves for nearly two months before they were forced to fall back. For six weeks the orcs laid siege to Dweredell. In that time, the Duke of Alasson raised a great army and led it to Dweredell – breaking the siege and freeing the city.

THE SECOND EAGLE

Once again have the PCs make a Listen check (DC 15). If they succeed, read the following to them:

About an hour passes before the sound of combat again reaches your ear: Over the next rise it seems as if you hear again the clash of steel, the cry of men, and the bestial howl of the inhuman.

Read the following as the PCs reach the top of the hill:

The scene before you is eerily familiar: A handful of armored men has been surrounded by large, hairy figures astride monstrous wolves. Again, it seems the men have fallen back some distance from the road – forming a defensive circle. Again, you see the distinctive black plate of the Duke of Alasson – and their the banner of the golden eagle upon the black. The figures upon the wolves are larger now – as are the wolves themselves — and it seems that the men fare worse: At least one of their number has already fallen, and you see the signs of bloodying upon several others.

There are eight men accompanying the Duke of Alasson here. They are faced by fifteen Wolf-Riders (see sidebar).

The ogres are far more clever than the orcs of the past: They possess an uncanny advantage with their ability to perform ride-by attacks with reach, and they will not hesitate to make the most of it. Even if the PCs ready an attack against the ogre’s mounted charge, their reach should still allow the ogres to avoid it. Plus, the ogres will have their dire wolves ready an attack after the charge – so if anyone closes with them, the wolves will attack. Combined with the triple damage they do on their attacks, this should make the ogres extremely deadly in melee. The ogres are also smart enough to keep themselves spread out – hemming the duke and his men in, but keeping enough distance between themselves so that area-effect spells are as ineffective as possible.

Five of the ogres will immediately break away from attacking the duke and his men to focus on the PCs. If it becomes clear that the PCs are a credible threat, five more will break off and engage them.

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WOLF-RIDERS: Ogre Ftr 2; CR 5; Large Giant; HD 4d8+2d10+12; hp 41; Init –1 (Dex); Spd 30 ft.; AC 19 (-1 size, -1 Dex, +5 natural, +6 +1 chain shirt); Atk +9 melee (2d6+7, huge greatclub) or +9 melee (2d6+7/x3, large heavy lance); Face 5 ft. by 5 ft.; Reach 10 ft. (15-20 ft. with heavy lance); AL LE; SV Fort +9, Ref +0, Will +1; Str 21, Dex 8, Con 15, Int 11, Wis 10, Cha 7

Skills and Feats: Listen +2, Spot +2, Ride +4; Mounted Combat, Ride-By Attack, Spirited Charge

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THE RED WOLVES (Dire Wolves): CR3; Large Animal; HD 6d8+18; hp 45; Init +2 (Dex); Spd 50 ft.; AC 19 (-1 size, +2 Dex, +5 chain barding, +3 natural); Atk +10 melee (Bite 1d8+10); Face 5 ft. by 10 ft.; Reach 5 ft.; SA Trip; SQ Scent; SV Fort +8, Ref +7, Will +6; Str 25, Dex 15, Con 17, Int 2, Wis 12, Cha 10

Skills: Hide +5, Listen +6, Move Silently +5, Spot +6, Wilderness Lore +1*

Trip (Ex): A dire wolf that hits with a bite attack can attempt to trip the opponent as a free action without making a touch attack or provking an attack of opportunity. If the attempt fails, the opponent cannot react to the trip of the dire wolf.

Skills: A dire wolf receives a +1 racial bonus to Listen, Move Silently, and Spot checks and a +2 racial bonus to Hide checks. *It also receives a +4 racial bonus to Wilderness Lore checks when tracking by scent.

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AFTER THE SECOND FIGHT

As soon as the Black Eagle, Tenth Duke of Alasson, doffs his helm, it should be clear to the PCs that this is a completely different person. Their first thoughts will probably run to impersonation of one sort or another, but if they tell their tale to the Duke his brow will furrow and he will tell them a tale of his ancestor – the third Duke of Alasson – who was beset upon this very road by orcs… and saved by a strange band of heroes. The story was chronicled in the song of the Duke’s life, and is still sung today in his family’s halls today. Marveling at the PCs’ tale, the Duke will ask them to accompany them. If the PCs go with him, he spins for them tales of his ancestor upon the road; treats them to a feast of “long-delayed and newfound honor” in his halls, and rewards them in a fitting manner.

IF THE PCs DON’T SAVE THE EAGLES

If the PCs fail to save the second Duke (the one contemporary with their own time), then the Duke is dead. It’s unfortunate, but no big deal.

If the PCs failed to save the first Duke, however, things change slightly: Now, the second Duke tells a sad tale of the death of his ancestor in a fell ambush by orcs after the breaking of the siege of Dweredell. He still marvels at the PCs’ tale, and invites them to his tent to share stories, food, and drink.

THE BLACK EAGLE AND HIS MEN

These stats can be used for both Black Eagles and their men.

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THE BLACK EAGLE: Ftr9; Medium-sized humanoid; CR 9; HD 9d10+18; hp 84; Init +1 (Dex); Spd 30 ft.; AC 26 (+1 Dex, +10 +2 plate, +4 +1 adamantine shield of light fortification, +1 ring of protection +1); Atk +15/+10 melee (1d8+7/17-20, +1 keen longsword), +15/+10 melee (1d8+7/x3, +1 heavy lance), or +10/+5 ranged; SV Fort +8, Ref +4, Will +3; Str 19, Con 14, Dex 12, Int 14, Wis 14, Cha 10

Skills and Feats: Diplomacy +3, Handle Animal +5, Knowledge (etiquette) +5, Knowledge (heraldry) +4, Ride +15, Spot +7; Mounted Combat, Power Attack, Ride-by Attack, Spirited Charge, Trample, Weapon Focus (lance), Weapon Focus (longsword), Weapon Specialization (lance), Weapon Specialization (longsword)

Possessions: +1 keen longsword, +1 heavy lance, +2 plate, +1 adamantine shield of light fortification, ring of protection +1, gauntlets of ogre strength, 2 potions of cure serious wounds, 2 potions of cure moderate wounds,1 potion of endurance, 2 potions of jump

Mount: Light warhorse, half-plate barding (+7 AC)

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MEN-AT-ARMS (x5):

Ftr2; Medium-size humanoid; CR 2; HD 2d10+4; hp 21; Init +1 (Dex); Spd 30 ft.; AC 18 (+1 Dex, +5 masterwork breastplate, +2 large steel shield); Atk +6 melee (1d8+2/19-20, masterwork longsword), +5 melee (1d8+2/x3 heavy lance), or +3 ranged; SV Fort +5, Ref +1, Will +0; Str 15, Con 14, Dex 12, Int 14, Wis 10, Cha 10

Skills and Feats: Diplomacy +1, Handle Animal +3, Knowledge (etiquette) +3, Knowledge (heraldry) +3, Ride +6, Spot +3; Mounted Combat, Ride-by Attack, Weapon Focus (longsword)

Possessions: Masterwork longsword, heavy lance, masterwork breastplate, large steel shield

Mount: Light warhorse

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CONCLUSION

There is no explanation for what caused the PCs to slip through time: Perhaps it was a sympathetic connection between the plights of the two dukes. Perhaps it was the intercession of some god (known or unknown). Perhaps the PCs didn’t slip through time at all, but instead were visited by spirits of the past (the true heroes of the tale are long dead and forgotten).

The Wolf-Riders faced by the PCs here may be only one small part of a larger organization (possibly consisting of an entire ogre tribe or more). This may mean that there are additional attempts on the Black Eagle’s life that the PCs must help fend off. Or it might mean that the PCs have earned the enmity of dangerous giants.

The PCs also have a chance here to forge a friendship with the current Duke of Alasson.

The Black Eagles of Alasson have a long history of greatness, with a single exception: The Fifth Duke, it is said, went mad and disappeared into the west – taking with him the ancestral sword of the house. Perhaps it is time for someone to uncover the sword’s resting place and return it to the Duke.

Go to Part 1

THE BRAND OF AVARICE

The first brands of avarice was crafted by the Sorcerer Prince Ajan. The tributes paid to Ajan by his lords were being constantly jeopardized by the legendary rogue Ser Kella. Attempts to capture Kella had failed, even when aided by Ajan’s powerful magic. So Ajan crafted a brand of avarice for each of his lords — with each bearing the seal of the lord for which they were destined – and commanded them to include their brands with all future tributes as a guarantee of their payment. Ser Kella, after falling prey to the brands at least twice, abandoned his depredations upon Ajan’s tributes.

Today the brands of avarice are a relatively inexpensive form of magical protection against theft: A wizard or sorcerer will enchant a normal gold piece and place it within a pile of similar or identical coins. The owner of the coins will know to avoid this particular piece (which is usually identified with some minor marking and can be removed safely by anyone wearing a pair of gloves). However, the moment it is touched by bare flesh, the brand of avarice will bond itself to the person’s flesh and will resist all physical efforts to have it removed short of amputating the body part affected.

Depending on where the brand attaches itself, the character may be subject to a penalty on any affected ability or skill checks (this may include spells with somatic components – including dispel magic). For example, if the brand is grasped by the fingertips (as is quite likely) their manual dexterity will be affected. A common mistake is to then attempt to pry it loose with the other hand (thereby binding both hands to the coin). DM’s should use their best discretion as to what types of penalties to apply (and just how badly a character can get stuck to himself – or others).

Also note that the brand is capable of acting on more than one individual at a time. Thus if another PC, NPC, or monster were to touch the brand (or if the affected character were to touch another PC, NPC, or monster with the brand), the brand would effectively bind the two characters together at the point of contact.

The easiest way to remove the brand is through the use of a dispel magic spell (wealthier patrons will usually have the brand created by a high level wizard – making it comparatively more difficult to remove). However, even this will still leave a physical imprint of the coin’s surface on the victim’s skin. This mark will not usually impair the victim’s ability to take normal actions (although the DM may decide otherwise under special circumstances), but will continue to identify the character as the victim of a brand so long as it is visible.

Caster Level: 5^th
Prerequisites: Craft Wondrous Item, make whole
Market Price: 4,000 gp

COIN OF ALARUM

Another device for theft deterrence, the coin of alarum is more direct in its methods of persecution: When brought near coins it hasn’t been near before, it will sound a klaxon-like alarm. Typically the coin of alarum would be placed unconspicuously among the other coins of a house’s wealth, so that when a would-be thief placed it next to his personal wealth the alarm would sound.

However, as an added security measure the sound of the alarm does not appear to emanate from the coin itself – instead seeming to simply fill the air around it. The thief will assume that he has triggered an area affect, and flee – never realizing that he is carrying his own accuser with him. It may take quite some time for the victim to finally discover why the klaxon returns every time they add change to their coin purse.

The coin of alarum takes fifteen minutes to acclimate itself to a new coin. The klaxon will stop as soon as the acclimation process is finished. If a coin is removed from the presence of the coin of alarum and then returned, the acclimation process must be repeated. The coin has also been enchanted in such a way that a dispel magic spell will not only work automatically, but will also have a duration of fifteen minutes (the spell can be used to acclimate the coin without having to live with an alarm sounding). Spells such as silence will also work to quiet this pernicious little item.

Although coins of alarum can be commonly found just about anywhere today, they were originally a creation of the dragons – often serving as triggers for more elaborate magical defenses or traps. Many dragons continue to use the coins to this day, using the sound of the alarm as a trigger for a contingency spell which teleports the rest of their treasure safely away.

Caster Level: 5^th
Prerequisites: Craft Wondrous Item, alarm
Market Price: 100 gp

Go to Part 3

Here is a thing which I forgot existed. Back in June 2002, Campaign Magazine published “Gilted Fiends”, an article I had written which contained a number of cursed coins for D20 fantasy games. Back in 2011, I archived that article here on the Alexandrian. What I had forgotten is that I had actually written a direct sequel to this article which was never published because Campaign Magazine went out of business.

Without further ado, here is that article — never before seen — providing more mischievous and dangerous coins with which to plague your PCs.

Cursed items are a long-standing tradition for D&D, for a very simple reason: They’re a lot of fun. A character plagued by their cursed possession not only has the challenge of overcoming the difficulties created by the curse, but also the long-standing problem of getting rid of the curse permanently. Cursed items serve as a source of conflict, challenge, and storytelling.

But there’s a problem: Players are paranoid. Hand them a sword carved with cryptic runes and the identify and analyze dweomer spells begin to fly. They have no intention of being caught flatfooted – and nothing magical is going to escape their careful analysis. If they’re looking for it, they’re going to catch that curse before it ever gets close to them. As fun as they might be, cursed items never really get a fighting chance.

Wait a minute, though. What if they don’t think to look? Sure, the first thing they’re going to do with a dragon’s hoard is start looking for magic in every sword, staff, ring, and scroll. But…

Who casts detect magic on a pile of coins?

Nobody. When they kill the orc and loot the body, no one ever stops to consider that the bent copper piece they found was actually a Lucky Penny. And as frustrating as missed magic might be if they ever realize the truth, imagine their despair when the gold coin they liberated from the ogre’s lair turns out to be the greatest bane of all…

Enchanted coins, though, offer more than just the opportunity to slip a good curse under the character’s defenses. They can also provide the fodder for a variety of adventure themes – ranging from “good things come in small packages” to the almost ubiquitous “money is the root of all evil”. Money is a part of everyday life – for the characters and the players – so don’t hesitate to use it as a story element or adventure seed.

That being said, here are a few dirty tricks to slip into your PCs’ money pouches…

WEALTH BANE

The wealth banes were created by the Scarlet Coven – mad mages convinced that the plight of the poor would be alleviated if only the gold of the wealth was disposed of. It took the coven nearly a decade of effort to gather the wealth necessary to create the banes, and it is whispered that the treasure troves of three mighty dragons – Silvermane, Harshfire, and Blacktongue – were consumed.

In the end, the coven was successful. The result, however, was not as they intended. The wealth banes were quickly detected, and decisive action was rapidly taken against the coven. Although the coven’s leader, Kesand, would not be captured until almost nine years had passed, the “glorious” vision of the Scarlet Coven never came to pass.

A wealth bane appears to be a normal copper coin, but when placed in close proximity to a platinum, gold, or silver coin the wealth bane will transmute their metal into common copper. For every hour that a wealth bane is kept within a foot of other coins (for example, within a coin pouch) there is a cumulative 10% chance that the other coins will be transformed into copper.

Most of the wealth banes were either destroyed or are now kept – carefully – in private collections as curiosity pieces. Others, however, followed the whimsical paths of commerce and disappeared into the far corners of the globe. Often their victims never become aware of what caused the strange transformation, and end up spending the wealth bane as if it were a normal coin – passing it on to some new victim.

Caster Level: 15^th
Prerequisites: Craft Wondrous Item, polymorph any object
Market Price: 150,000 gp

Go to Part 2

I was recently linked to this story on Facebook: U.S. Government Bans Native American Tribe From Protesting On Their Own Land – Send In Police To Remove Protesters.

As far as I can tell, the linked story is bullshit. First, it’s unclear which judicial action it’s reporting on. The article was written on September 7th, but the only judicial action on that day was actually a victory for Native American protestors.

Digging a little deeper, however, it appears that this is actually just a spam site that’s repackaging a story that got a lot of clicks on Facebook so that it can harvest some of that proven clickbait. It was most likely posted by an algorithm that noticed an uptick in Native American-related or pipeline-related stories on social media, and decided to copy-paste an earlier story on those topics which was a known success at attracting likes and shares.

The story it was copying, however, was actually just a spammy repackaging of actual reporting that had taken place several days earlier by Telesur.

Telesur’s story, however, wasn’t accurate. And their headline (“Native Americans Banned from Protesting Pipeline on Own Land”) was total bullshit. As Native News Online accurately reported, the judge’s order only prohibited them from physically interfering with construction. It didn’t ban them from protesting. Furthermore, the site covered by the judge’s order wasn’t actually on a Native American reservation, so it never banned them from ANYTHING “on their own land”.

So, to sum up: Inaccurate reporting tied to a completely inaccurate headline caused a bunch of fringe websites to post mock-outrage stories about something that wasn’t actually happening. One of those mock-outrage stories remixed the headline into a mostly fact-free rant masquerading as a news story and paired it to a really great photograph that caused people to click it and share it. Then some trashy sites noticed that the post was popular and duped it in order to harvest the advertising revenue.

The photograph, by the way, is actually of a Brazilian man from 2012: “An indigenous man stands as riot police stand guard during the UN Conference on Sustainable Development, or Rio+20, in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, Wednesday, June 20, 2012. Brazil’s indigenous are protesting the government’s plan to construct the large Belo Monte hydroelectric dam in the Amazon.”

And that’s how most Americans are getting their news in 2016.

Which is a problem. Because, as we’ve just demonstrated, what the algorithms, systems, and mob psychology of social media select for is not the dissemination of truth. It is the dissemination of outrage. When you unthinkingly allow yourself to take in that outrage, you’re doing a disservice to yourself. And when you unthinkingly allow that outrage to drive your actions — even the simple action of hitting a Like or Share or Retweet or Up Vote button — you’re doing a disservice to everyone around you.

Chobits is the story of a young boy who discovers a robotic girl (a chobit) in a garbage pile, takes it home, and turns her on. It quickly becomes apparent that this is no ordinary chobit, and a great deal of mystery builds up around the chobit’s true identity and the strange abilities she appears to possess. Along the way, CLAMP kind of flirts with commenting on the objectification of women (but seems to mostly just use that as an excuse to objectify them). The central enigma and the flirtation with deeper commentary on the “fan service” of modern manga kept me reading until the end and then… Well, let me just tell you.

REALLY SERIOUS SPOILERS

This is the truth behind the great engima of Chobits:

We discover that Chi — the chobit discovered by our protagonist — was created by a pair of computer scientists who wanted to create a fully sentient AI, and they think of her as their daughter. One day, however, Chi realizes that she wants to experience true love. So she comes up with a foolproof plan to do that:

“I will give myself amnesia and enter a comatose state. I want you to throw my comatose body on a trash pile and hope that my one true love finds my unconscious body there.”

I… umm… Wow. Okay. That’s really stupid.

Not done yet, though, because then her mother says: “We wanted our daughter to find true love, so after she went into a coma and couldn’t consent, we reprogrammed her so that if her first boyfriend didn’t marry her she would not only commit suicide but murder every other android on the planet.”

Guys, that’s not really a great plan, I think–

“Also, we specifically made our daughter so that she could fall in love with someone. But then we designed her body with an off switch in her vagina so that if she did fall in love with someone and then they had sex, it would delete her entire brain and functionally murder her.”

What. The. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. You?

And just as you’re reeling from the big reveal that this entire story is about the secrets kept by some phenomenally fucked up people, they follow it up with: “Why did you call them chobits? Why not just call them robots?”

“Oh, because we didn’t want them to be bound by the Three Laws of Robotics.”

Because, obviously, that’s how the Three Laws of Robotics work: You just name something a robot and the Holy Spirit of Asimov fills their corporeal form and binds them forevermore by the Three Laws.

Fuck off, CLAMP.

GRADE: D

A guide to grades here at the Alexandrian.