TOFFY BRATSFOREONS
Everyone dreams of having loving parents. And Toffy’s parents love each other very, very much. Probably a little too much, honestly. After a successful and fulfilling childhood of torturing and “executing” various small, furry animals, Toffy graduated to a young adulthood of torturing and executing people. The utterly banal “cleverness” and petty mundanity of his arrogant sadism have made Toffy universally beloved, if nowhere other than in his own mind. Toffy’s mother has arranged any number of weddings for her precious little angel, but Toffy feels like marriage would be the death of him and has been deftly postponing the happy nuptials by completely alienating every single one of them.
CERIOUSLY BANNISTER
Ceriously is the only daughter of Trywin. Despite the recent death of her husband, King Bobby Bratsforëöns, she has been coping with what is certainly immense grief with a stiff upper lip. The support from her brother Shamey during this time of trouble has also been remarkably stiff. All she cares about now is making sure that her children – Toffy, Malteaser, and Toblerone – can all enjoy the lives they so richly deserve. And if anyone gets in the way of that, Ceriously has a cannister of whoopass and wildfire with their name on it.
Malteaser’s recent nosebleeds are a little troubling, but she’ll be fine. Probably.
SHAMEY BANNISTER
King Hairy McDragonface was caught with his pants down when he was stabbed on the Porcelain Throne by Shamey Bannister. This low blow echoed throughout the Umpteen Kingdoms and Shamey has been known as the Kingslayer ever since. Shamey remains a member of the Kingsitters, and his twin sister often remarks how handsome he looks in the all-white cloak and gold armor.
TYPSION BANNISTER
The Red-Faced Baron of Boobies and Booze! Also known as the Little Lusher and the Green Fairy, Typsion is the youngest child of Lord Trywin. He has always used his clever wit to overcome the prejudice he’s had to deal with his entire life. And, if that fails, he’ll just get people drunk enough that they forget how short he is. His sister Ceriously refuses to drink with him and also refuses to ever let him forget how short he is, so Typsion tries to avoid her as much as possible. But not as much as he avoids his father: Typsion likes to marry random women he’s just met in an Elvish Chapel on the Jester’s Landing Strip and then see how long it takes for his father to figure it out and issue an edict annulling the wedding. It’s a petty sort of revenge, but it’s the only thing Typsion is capable of. At least for now.
TRYWIN BANNISTER
Trywin is the richest and most powerful man in the Umpteen Kingdoms. Historically, the Bannisers’ power derives from the intersection of several influences: First, their long-standing support of the UKSPCD (the Umpteen Kingdoms Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Direcorgis; a Bannister always spays their pets). Second, the strategically advantageous position of their capital Castle Rock (from which they regularly export moody writers of bestselling horror fiction). Third, the constant and untiring support of the Tinfoil Bank. Trywin has made it clear that he intends to fully restore the luster of the Bannisters’ name, starting with the spaying of all the werewolves of House Remus (as remembered by the tragic song “Full Moons of Castamere”) and culminating with placing his grandchildren on the throne by virtue of marrying his only daughter, Ceriously, to King Bobby Bratsforëöns.
Oh my god, this really had me laughing at “…a Bannister always slays their pets.”