Back in 2007, I wrote D&D: Calibrating Your Expectations, an article which analyzed D&D 3^rd Edition’s mechanics with a particular eye towards what characters of various levels were truly capable of.

(The short version: If you think Conan or Aragorn are 20^th level D&D characters, then you’ll be disappointed and frustrated because 20^th level D&D characters can routinely perform superheroic feats far beyond what Conan or Aragorn should be capable of. To avoid that dissonance, you need to either embrace awesomeness of high level play, cap your campaign at a lower level, or find an alternative solution for dialing in your personal sweet spot.)

A few years later, I wrote a similar article called Numenera: Calibrating Your Expectations, which did a similar breakdown for Monte Cook’s Numenera (and, by extension, the Cypher System).

These articles were fairly popular, and it’s perhaps unsurprising that I’m frequently asked to update my original article for D&D 5^th Edition.

The reason that article has never been written is that, when you sit down and try to calibrate D&D 5^th Edition, you’ll quickly realize that there’s nothing to calibrate: The D&D 5^th Edition skill system, in particular, is a very shallow and hollow mechanic that is, at best, running on vibes.

The first thing I would do when attempting to calibrate a system looking at how a character’s action check results correlate to the real world. But the DCs in D&D 5^th Edition aren’t pegged to anything in the real world: Walking across a balance beam could be DC 0, DC 5, DC 20, or DC 30. And the same could be true of running across the treetops while balancing on the leaves.

The next thing I’d do is compare the performance of skilled and unskilled characters. Particularly interesting values here include what characters consider routine (i.e., tasks they can automatically succeed at no matter what they roll on the dice) and also what tasks a skilled character can potentially achieve that an unskilled character cannot.

In D&D 5^th Edition, however, skill proficiency bonuses are so tiny compared to both the range of the d20 roll and ability score bonuses that there’s no meaningful information to be gleaned. It’s quite likely, for example, that an unskilled character will actually have a higher bonus on a skill check than a character proficient in that skill, particularly at low levels.

This is, of course, intentional. For reasons I’ve previously discussed, D&D 5^th Edition embraced the concept of “bounded accuracy.” The best way to think of bounded accuracy in this context is that everybody is basically equally skilled at pretty much everything, and stuff like natural ability and proficiency only indicate slight differences between characters. (It’s the difference between two people who went to the same university, got the same degree, and both graduated in the top 25% of the class, rather than the difference between a PhD in a subject and the average layperson.)

Bounded accuracy also pretty severely curtails the useful insights that can be gleaned from comparing characters of different levels. The differences between 1^st and 10^th and 20^th level characters can be quite minute.

Oddly, though, D&D 5^th Edition features a handful of class abilities which hilariously break bounded accuracy in ways which are almost absurd compared to the otherwise tiny differences in the system. I refer to these as Fuck Bounded Accuracy abilities, and these FBAs simply obliterate whatever marginal insight calibration might otherwise reveal.

So all you can really do is arbitrarily peg X to a DC, where X is some given task. But if you try to relate that back to a calibration question like, “What is a skilled vs. unskilled character capable of?” you’ll just end up frustrated because the system, again, doesn’t really distinguish one from the other.

CALIBRATING 5th EDITION

If you kind of flip this around, however, the formlessness of D&D 5^th Edition offers you the opportunity to calibrate the system for yourself. In fact, it essentially demands this. Most DMs, however, only tackle this task blindly – groping in the dark and sort of arbitrarily throwing out DCs that “feel” right.

If you’d like to grasp this bull by the horns and instead make some conscious, deliberate choices about what you want the game to be, here’s what I would recommend.

First, define the maximum possible result you can imagine a 1^st level PC ever achieving. Peg this as a DC 26 task. (Roughly speaking, this is a natural 20 (die roll) + 4 (ability score) + 2 proficiency bonus.)

Second, think about the minimum difficulty you would ever even remotely consider making a check for (and most of the time you probably wouldn’t). Peg that to DC 5.

Third, provide a spectrum of results between your DC 5 and DC 26 tasks. Keep in mind that at DC 17+ it’s technically possible to have a 1^st level character who can NEVER accomplish those tasks. (If there were non-proficient and had a -4 ability score penalty.) DC 21, which is a task an average person could never achieve, is another useful benchmark to keep in mind.

Fourth, ask yourself what the most amazing thing you could ever imagine any PC doing at the highest levels of your campaign. Peg that at DC 36, then add spectrum values at DC 28 and DC 32 to bridge the gap.

Note that the tasks you assign to these DCs are entirely arbitrary, and will have a huge impact on the feel of your campaign.

For example, consider the ability to run across the top of the forest canopy like a character of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. This could just as easily be:

• Impossible
• DC 36 (most amazing thing you’ll ever see)
• DC 26 (a 1^st level character can technically do it!)
• DC 18 (actually, it’s something everyone in Naruto can do)

Of course, if canopy running is DC 18 in your campaign, then you’ll need to figure out a DC 36 which is even more awesome than that. (Maybe being able to walk on clouds?)

Once you’ve calibrated your DCs, you need to accept that the FBAs will routinely allow PCs to punch way above the “intended” thresholds you’ve set. Consider this a feature, not a bug. Magic is awesome and the function of an FBA is to say, “Holy shit! Look at that guy!”

Finally, whatever you’ve set as your DC 36 touchstone is the cap. There’s nothing beyond that. If a player can string together some crazy string of bonuses and a natural 20 to roll a 52, that’s great. But the result will be no different than if they’d rolled a 36. They’ve reached maximum human potential, or however else you want to think of this. (This is necessary because the system’s issues – skill bonuses barely mattering; FBA abilities; etc. – make it impossible to calculate a coherent mathematical cap.)

Pearl golems are one of the legendary jewel golems of Shandrala.

Although many think of pearl golems only in hues of cream and white, their birthing gems can be fashioned from a wide range of pearlescent colors — pink, blue, grey, aubergine, chocolate, and lavender, among others.

And in Greater Numbers. Among those who know the secrets of their creation, pearl golems are particularly popular constructs, in part because they are cheaper to create than most other golems. While they lack the magical enhancements of other jewel golems, they are more likely to appear in groups and will use their quick wits to coordinate their actions.

Iridescence. Pearl golems have some magical influence over the pearly iridescence of their “skin.” They appear to use this ability to silently communicate with each other in a mysterious visual language.

CONSTRUCTING PEARL GOLEMS

The birthing gem of a pearl golem must be a pearl worth at least 750 gp. This pearl must be polished and enchanted, but does not need to be cut. Preparing the pearl, therefore, requires a DC 10 Intelligence (Arcana). The golem costs 20,000 gp to create, which includes the cost of the birthing gem.

PEARL GOLEM
Small construct, Unaligned

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Armor Class 17                                                 Initiative +3 (13)

Hit Points 60 (20d6)

Speed 30 ft.

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STR 20 (+5), DEX 16 (+3), CON 18 (+4), INT 10 (+0), WIS 10 (+0), CHA 10 (+0)

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Skills Athletics +7

Immunities Necrotic, Poison; Blinded, Exhaustion, Paralyzed, Petrified, Poisoned

Senses darkvision 60 ft.; passive Perception 12

Challenge 3 (700 XP; PB +2)

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TRAITS

Magic Resistance. The golem has Advantage on saving throws against spells and other magical effects.

Spell Immunity. Pearl golems are immune to all spells except those which affect the quality of the air, such as cloudkill. Such spells deal either double damage or 2d6 damage to the pearl golem, whichever is higher.

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ACTIONS

Multiattack. The pearl golem makes two Slam attacks.

Slam. Melee Attack Roll: +7, reach 5 ft. Hit: 12 (2d6+5)  Bludgeoning damage.

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Pearl golems appear in The Vladaam Affair.

The legendary jewel golems of Shandrala were originally created through the mystic arts of the Jade Magi. Crafted from wondrous stones in great variety, they generally have the appearance of slender humanoids and are possessed of preternatural speed and grace, due to the spirits of air which animate them.

Those destroying these precious creations in the hopes of looting their gemstone bodies will be left disappointed, however: When the spirit of air which animates them escapes their broken bodies, the crystalline structure collapses, leaving behind a fractured form that quickly crumbles to worthless powder.

CONSTRUCTING JEWEL GOLEMS

The first step in the creation of a jewel golem is the selection and enchantment of the birthing gem, from which the golem’s physical body will eventually be crafted. The initial preparation of the birthing gem requires two weeks of work, during which the creator must spend at least 8 hours each day in a specially prepared laboratory or workroom, in which (among other things) a circle of carefully aligned mirrors is used to focus solar and lunar energy into the birthing gem. This chamber is similar to an alchemist’s lab and costs 500 gp to establish. In addition, this preparation consumes 1/10^th of the total cost of the golem in question.

Complication: Only the most exceptional of gems are capable of focusing the intense mystic energies that form the heart of a jewel golem. Lesser stones, or flawed stones, will shatter during the preparation process, but only after consuming the preparation cost.

Once the birthing gem has been prepared, the true work of creating the golem can begin. An extensive process of magical rituals, requiring two additional months to complete, must be performed. During this time, the gem is used as a crystalline matrix from which the body of the jewel golem is spontaneously created. In addition, the elemental spirit that powers the golem is gathered and bound to the evolving structure of the golem’s body.

During this period, when not working on the rituals, the creator must rest and can perform no other activities except eating, sleeping, or talking. Interruption of this work for any reason will cause the creator to lose control of the arcane energies they are attempting to harness, destroying the birthing gem and forcing them to start over from scratch if they wish to continue. Note, however, that once the birthing gem is prepared, the creator can wait as long as he likes before using the gem to actually construct the jewel golem. A gem prepared by one person can even be used by another person.

The cost listed for each jewel golem includes all materials and spell components that are consumed or become a part of it.

CONTROLLING JEWEL GOLEMS

There are two types of jewel golems: controlled and free.

A jewel golem’s creator can command a controlled golem if it is within 60 feet and can see and hear its creator. If uncommanded, a controlled golem usually follows its last instruction to the best of its ability, though if attacked it will respond appropriately. The creator can give the golem a simple program to govern its actions in their absence, such as “Remain in this area and attack all creatures that enter” (or only a specific type of creature), “Ring a gong and attack”, or the like. However, jewel golems are generally more intelligent than traditional golems, allowing them to carry out more complex tasks.

A jewel golem can become free in one of two ways.

First, if a jewel golem without an active command is separated from their master for a year and a day, it will automatically become free and capable of pursuing its own goals.

Second, a jewel golem following an active command can, once per year, attempt an Intelligence check against a DC equal to 5 + their creator’s level. On a success, they become free.

There are exceptions to these general guidelines:

• Aquamarine and opal golems are never controlled. They begin their existence as free golems.
• Diamond and pearl golems are always considered controlled, unless their master specifically gives them freedom.
• Moonstone golems are constantly contesting their control. They make an Intelligence check at the moment of their creation and every year thereafter until they are successfully free. (It’s rumored that certain “free” moonstone golems are still controlled by some greater imperative.)
• Bloodstone golems will obey the commands of anyone associated with the holy site they’re responsible for guarding. They can only become free golems if the holy site is completely destroyed, at which point they can attempt an Intelligence check for their freedom. On a failure, they continue guarding the place where the holy site once stood. (Dark bloodstone golems, however, follow the normal rules for controlling jewel golems.)

JEWEL GOLEMS
Pearl Golems

This material covered under the Open Game License.

I don’t like vicious mockery.

It’s a weirdly dissociated mechanic. If you kind of squint at it in the right light, you can almost see an association. Magically enhanced insults so utterly devastating that they can literally kill you with psychic damage seem like a thing you put your thumb on.

But can you actually describe in character what the spell is doing? If a bard casts vicious mockery and kills a dolphin, what actually happens? If you’re targeted by the spell, what does it feel like?

Your mileage may vary, but this is one of those mechanics that, when the players trigger it, I’m completely uncertain how to describe what actually happens. That’s a red flag, in my opinion. (See, also, non-divine guidance.) More often than not, it feels like casting the spell means we all disconnect from the game world for a bit, do some dice stuff, and then reconnect to the game world with no clear description of anything actually happening (except maybe someone keeled over and died).

Alternatively, you’ve got the issue where players feel like they need to improvise the insult they hurl at the target of the spell. (Or, often, the DM will demand it of them.) That, too, seems fine. But, if we can be honest for a moment, how easy do you find it to improvise an insult so withering that someone falling over dead after hearing it seems like a reasonable outcome?

What actually happens most of the time, of course, is a sort of comical mismatch:

Player: I call the dolphin “fish-face”!

DM: This insult overwhelms the dolphin, who instantly dies!

Yes, I understand that the insult has been “laced with subtle enchantments.” But, again, what does that actually look like?

The mechanics of the spell — first introduced in the Player’s Handbook 2 for 4^th Edition before being adapted for the 5^th Edition Player’s Handbook — are also getting more dissociated over time. In 2014, for example, your target had to hear the insults, “though it need not understand” them. (Which kind of raises the question of why it needs to be an insult at all.)

In the 2024 Player’s Handbook, however, this requirement is dropped. The target of the spell is now “one creature you can see or hear within range.”

So we’ve gone from insults that drive your foe into a blind rage to a spell where the target doesn’t even need to understand what you’re saying (I guess they can just tell from your tone) to, today, your target standing in a silence spell while unable to see you, but still being completely wrecked by how mean you’re being to them.

Mechanically speaking, though, there’s nothing wrong with “Wisdom save or suffer damage and disadvantage on your attack roll.” It also provides pretty core functionality for bards, so I don’t want to just nix it from my game.

So can we tweak the presentation of vicious mockery to achieve the same or similar mechanical effect without the issues?

ETHEREAL SONATA

With the aid of subtle enchantments, you pitch your voice so that it vibrates through the Ethereal Plane instead of through air. As these ethereal tones resonate with a target you can see and who can hear you, they psychically damage and discombobulate them.

VICIOUS MOCKERY (REDUX)

You utter an epithet from the primal ur-language which was used by the gods to carve the minds of the first sentient races in the multiverse. Infusing the curse with magic, you precisely tune it to a target you can see and who can hear you. On a failed Wisdom saving throw, the target’s mind momentarily rewrites itself, shaking them with the sudden belief that your disparagement is utter truth.

SONIC BARRAGE

Weaving your magic, you tune and focus the perfect pitch of your choice into a killing word directed at a target you can see and who can hear you.

Note: This version would be an evocation cantrip dealing thunder damage instead of psychic damage.

FURTHER READING
Guidance Sucks in 5th Edition

Astonishingly dense arcane runes cover every side of incredibly complex origami structures. In some places, translucent onion-skin has been layered over the paper, creating sections in which the runes are overlaid with each other, forming inscrutable and ever-shifting patterns.

A proper understanding of the origami folds — and the multiple orientations in which they are designed to be read — allows one to begin unraveling a truly innovative method by which glyphs of warding can be interwoven.

INTERWOVEN GLYPHS

Interweaving glyphs of warding requires an Intelligence (Arcana) check (DC 10 + the total level of the interwoven glyphs). Interwoven glyphs of warding are:

• Simultaneously triggered.
• More difficult to find and disable, increasing the DC of the checks to do so by +2 per additional glyph.
• More difficult to identify, requiring an Intelligence (Arcana) check of DC 10 + the total level of the interwoven glyphs of warding.

Each glyph of warding must be cast in sequence and without interruption. If the sequence is interrupted or the Spellcraft check fails, the glyph of warding spells are all lost to no effect.

The total level of glyphs is based on the level of the casting of glyphs of warding for explosive runes, or the level of the stored spell for spell glyphs.

ADVANCED SYMBOLOGY

Among the origami notes describing the interweaving of glyphs of warding, there is also an incomplete treatise analyzing how symbol spells could also be interwoven (both with each other and with glyphs of warding).

If completed, this advanced methodology would also raise the saving throw DC of all interwoven glyphs or symbols to the highest DC among all of the interwoven glyphs and symbols.

However, because the research has never been completed, a PC interested in these techniques would need to finish perfecting them as a downtime research project. (See p. 338 of So You Want To Be a Game Master.)

This material is covered by the Open Game License.